Accountant Jokes

Give him another chance

The host of the convention says, “We are all here today to prove to the world that Accountants are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?”
One Accountant steps up. The host says to him, “What is 15 plus 15?”
After 15 or 20 seconds he says “Eighteen.”

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 Accountants start cheering,
“Give him another chance, give him another chance.” The host says,
“Well since we have gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you here and the world wide press, I guess we can give him another chance.”

So he says, “What is 5 plus 5?” After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, “Ninety?”
The host sighs – everyone is crestfallen and the Accountants starts crying and 80,000 accountants start yelling
“Give him another chance, give him another chance.”

The host, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says,
“Ok! One more chance. What is 2 plus 2?”
The accountant closes his eyes and after a whole minute eventually says “Four.”

Around the stadium 80,000 accountants start yelling
“Give him another chance, give him another chance.”

3 Accountants

Three accountants were standing at the urinals.
The first accountant finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried. Turning to the other two accountants, he said, “At Price Waterhouse Coopers”, we are trained to be extremely thorough.”
The second accountant finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and said, at “KPMG”, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient.”
The third accountant finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, “At Maroo Advisory, we don’t pee on our hands.”

3 Partners in an Accounting Firm

Three partners in an accounting firm go out to lunch. They are the audit partner, the tax partner and the senior partner.
One of them sees a brass lamp lying in the gutter. Curious, they pick it up and give it a rub. Instantly, a genie appears.
“You know the deal,” says the genie. “Three wishes. But seeing there are three of you, you can have one wish each.
“”Great,” says the audit partner. “Take me to the Whitsunday Islands and give me an endless supply of beer and leave me there forever.
“Pouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he is gone. “Now me,” says the tax partner.
“Take me to the Cook Islands and give me an endless supply of offshore tax schemes and leave me there forever.
“Pouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he is gone. The genie turns to the senior partner. “And what do you want?”
“I want those two back in the office straight after lunch.”

3 Lawyers and 3 Accountants

Three lawyers and three accountants are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three accountants buy only a single ticket.
“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asked one of the three lawyers.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answers one of the accountants.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three accountants cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train as departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the accountants on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the accountants don’t buy a ticket at all.
“How are you going to travel without a ticket,” asks one perplexed lawyer.
“Watch and you’ll see,” says one of the accountants.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three accountants cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the accountants leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”

The Business Advisor (Life Lesson with humour)

A Business Advisor stood at the pier of a small coastal village as a fisherman docked a boat with several large yellow-fin tuna. He complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish, and asked how long it had taken him to catch them. “Only a little while”, the fisherman said.
The Advisor asked the fisherman why he didn’t stay out longer to catch more. The fisherman replied that he had caught enough to support his family’s immediate needs. The Advisor then asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?” The fisherman replied: “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, Maria, and stroll into the village each evening, where I sip wine and play guitar with my friends. I have a full and busy life.”
“You should spend more time fishing, and buy a bigger boat,” the Advisor said. “With those earnings, you could buy more fishing boats, and eventually you’d have a fleet. Instead of selling fish to a middleman, you could sell directly to the processor, and then eventually open your own cannery. You would then control the product, processing, and distribution. You could leave this village and move to a big city, where you’d run an expanding tuna empire.”
“How long would this take?” The fisherman asked.
“Oh, 15 to 20 years.”
“But what then?”
“When the time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public, and you’d become a very rich man. You could make millions.
“And what do I do with the millions”
The Business Advisor laughed “Then comes the best part. Then you could retire, move to a small coastal fishing village, sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, and stroll to the village in the evenings to sip wine and play guitar with your friends.”

The Accountant and The Farmer

A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Stopping to rest, he tells the shepherd, “I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock.”

The shepherd thinks it over. It’s a big flock, so he takes the bet.

The man looks around and answers, “869.” The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right.

The shepherd says, “Okay, I’m a man of my word, take an animal.” The man picks one up and begins to walk away.

“Wait,” cries the shepherd, “let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation.” The man agrees.

“You are an accountant for the government,” says the shepherd.

“Amazing!” responds the man. “You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?”

“Well,” says the shepherd, “put down my dog and I will tell you.”